I’ve never liked change. In my world, predictability has meant safety. I knew what I had to do in order to live in that world. I knew what was expected of me. I knew who I had to make myself be in order to fit in and be accepted and measure up. And I knew what to expect from others. And that was the most important thing I needed to have in my life in order to feel safe. I did not want to be caught unawares and unprepared. There can be a great deal of security in staying in one place – not growth but a heck of a lot of security.
Any change that I was willing to countenance had to be at a snail’s pace. I had to be able to manage every step of the process. I had to be able to plan for what was coming next. I had to see the end product. In a way, that doesn’t surprise me. I’m a very product driven person. I was a learner and I was as a teacher. That is the world I lived in. The world of end results and ‘because’.
And I was always goal driven. There had to be a reason for doing anything. A good example of that has been singing for me. I’ve been taking lessons for the last 17 years with the same teacher – always with a goal in mind and the goal was either to complete a Royal Conservatory of Music exam or prepare for and present a solo concert or sing in Kiwanis.
Over time, as the days, weeks, months, and years passed, I knew I wanted something more. I knew there had to be something more. Living my life where each day blended one into the next with no difference between the days was safe and sure and also heavy and ponderous and deadening. Peggy Lee sang a song which I have always hated – “Is That All There Is?” – and I now know why I didn’t like the song. The words speak of a woman looking back over her life and questioning her life and the choices which she has made and wondering if the life that she has lived is all that life was supposed to be. If the answer to all that was ‘yes’, then, although she is willing to continue to live in that world, she knows that with her final breath, she will be asking, “Is that all there is?”
And that is how I felt. I’d look into my personal crystal ball and see only a dreary grey sameness. I didn’t know if I wanted to endure that and live in the grey fog-like state for the next 30 years or so. There was no urgency in getting up each day. There was nothing which really lit up my life. There was only the same-old-same-old of existence. And it got worse after I retired.
As I’ve been writing my first book, I’ve been revisiting the notes I’ve taken for mySelf at each WEL-Systems® programme which I’ve chosen to step into over the last two years. And I am struck by how much I have changed from the woman I was back then to the WOMAN I am NOW. So much has changed. I have changed. I marvel at the I AM that I AM. I smile at celebrating the I AM that I came into this world to be. I glory at knowing mySelf intimately.
I know that as a Quantum Biological Human™ my body is like a computer capable of processing an infinite amount of information at about the speed of light. And I know that in trusting that process, change happens instantaneously and usually not at a cognitive level. As I’ve chosen to live my life as a Quantum Biological Human™ being, I have changed. There are colours in my life now. And there is movement and flow and space. And I know, in change, the great potential offered to me to know mySelf as more and to grow and evolve and create. Change which I choose is now something which I embrace.
I now have my answer to, “Is that all there is?” and it is a resounding, “NO!” The following is now my screen saver. It says it all:
Just because I laugh a lot
doesn’t mean my life is easy.
Just because I have a smile
on my face everyday, doesn’t mean
that something is not bothering me.
I choose to move on, and not
dwell on the negatives in my life.
Every new moment gives me
the chance to renew anew.
I choose to be that.