When I was at Decloaking™ for the second time in Nova Scotia, I remember driving from where I was staying to take part in the day’s conversation and suddenly realizing that I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I had to run to catch up with everyone else. I was afraid that if I didn’t keep up, I’d be shut out of the group and, more vital for me, if I didn’t catch up, I’d miss something that it would be important for me to know. How great to know that that feeling is no longer a part of who I know mySelf to be – that I don’t run strategies that map to that pattern any more.
Consider the idea of patterns – patterns that give shape to our lives. As I grew up, I came to believe that patterns were necessary in order for me to live my life. How much of my life has been lived in replicating old habits and ways of thinking? How much of my life has been dominated by the fear of worrying what my life will be like when I give myself permission to keep questioning? How much of my life have I spent trying to ‘get it right’ according to what I’ve believed has been acceptable? I lived with my fears for so long that I worried that if I let go of all my old guideposts and landmarks – the old patterns, I wouldn’t know who I AM and, worse, yet, that I won’t like who I AM. And so I’ve been unwilling to live my life without a sense of having a safety net. I haven’t tried new things because I haven’t known what to expect. I haven’t been able to choose to go into my unknown.
I’ve chosen to live my life replicating the same patterns of behaviour and thinking. I’ve lived most of my life striving so hard to have order and predictability. I’ve been uncomfortable with chaos. So, over these last few years I’ve been considering how I can become comfortable with random chaos where there are no rules on how to proceed. And, with each day, moving forward without a guarantee of order has become easier.
These lyrics from The River, have always echoed in me.
Too many times we stand aside And let the waters slip away. ‘Til what we put off ’til tomorrow Has now become today. So don’t you sit upon the shoreline And say you’re satisfied. Choose to chance the rapids And dare to dance the tide…
Yes I will sail my vessel ‘Til the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind These waters are my sky. I’ll never reach my destination If I never try. So I will sail my vessel ‘Til the river runs dry.
I don’t know what my destination is except knowing mySelf more and more and making choices which are true to that knowing and which open space for my journey to continue.
Since I came back from Vancouver, especially, and even before that, I have been so aware of a sense of separation of mySelf from what I’ve perceived as the reality of others – from the old patterns which drove my choices. I’ve just not felt connected or driven in any way to be part of that – to buy into it, to invest mySelf in that. I’ve been divorcing mySelf from external references and judgments and even my inner critic. I am so aware that there is, for me, an edge to that and it’s an edge that I like. Old patterns no longer serve as markers for me.