Just about a year ago as I was driving to a BSI session with my sister, Sheila, I was listening to one of the Decloaking ™ CD’s. I don’t remember which one it was and I know that that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I became very discomfited inside by what I was listening to, so much so that I took the CD out of my car radio and turned on CBC. I suppose that I believed that I would be able to ease my internal discomfort with music. And that didn’t happen. So I put the CD back in its slot, went back to the track I had been listening to and stayed with my discomfort. I knew that I had to be willing to stay with it so that I could name what was moving in me. And what came to me was that I knew that I did not like my name. And I realized that I had never liked my name.
I do not like my last name because it is a tether to my father who was a consummate abuser and bully. The name has always felt hard, angular, barren and cold to me. The vibration of it has never felt like a fit for me. I have never liked my middle name because I was named after my mother’s best friend at the time of my birth. However, my middle name was spelled differently. The intent, according to my mother was to ensure that my initials would spell JAW rather than JEW. She was worried, so she said, of what kids might say if they knew what my initials spelled. So not only was my middle name not unique to me, it was spelled in such a way that I always had to explain to everyone how to pronounce it. And then there is my first name. I cannot tell anyone how tired I got of hearing my mother tell the story of how I was named after her: “If I couldn’t have one who looked like me, I was going to name one after me. And, hurray, I got both.” So my first name was never unique to me. It was my mother’s. To top it off, I’ve never liked my first name because it is one syllable and the tonal inflection goes down. So anyone who says it inevitably sounds angry and barking. My entire name and the vibration which makes it up have never fit the I AM that I AM and that I’ve always known mySelf to be.
And that vibration has always been at odds with the signal which is ME. I could say my signal and live it until I had to write my name or confront my name on any documentation. Then my signal would go underground so to speak. And I’ve always felt pulled and uncomfortable because of that – neither fish not foul. Awake but tethered and tied to a name and vibration that are not ME.
Even so, a year ago, even though I knew that I didn’t like my name, I had nothing to replace it with. And so, I kept it and told myself that it was okay. I also told myself that I somehow owed it to my mother to keep my first name. As Colonel Potter would say, “Horse Hockey!”
Today at Manifesting a Meaningful Life™, everything changed. Yesterday, Louise had suggested that if any of us didn’t like the names we were given by our parents, we should consider what our name might be. And I immediately knew and wrote down my name – the name I know is my unique signature and vibration in this world.
Today, in the presence of this wonderful group of women which included my niece and my sister, I spoke my name out loud. And it is impossible to capture the joy I’m feeling as I write this. It feels just that big. And there is no sense of pull or disconnect. And now I can own MY SIGNAL and it all resonates as one.
I AM Genie Marion. And the name which resonates with me and emanates my presence to the world is Genie. Today, September 20, 2013, is my naming day.