Thanks to my most recent BSI® session and what I wrote about and how clear I am about what I want for me with the choir of which I’m director and other things that come into my life, I’m so struck by what I now understand about myself. I know that I’m not willing to try and fit into some else’s model of how I should act or respond. I’m not willing to try to make myself into something that I’m not. And this explains so much to me about me. I’ve never been a team player when I’ve been expected to fit into any expected role and have not been able to adapt it to make it mine.
And knowing that and owning that right now, I’m surprised that I survived the expectations of my bosses and principals. I worked at a job bound in rules and regulations and, somehow, I was finally able to find a way to work in that in a way which satisfied me – close the door to my classroom and listen to myself and my students and trust my instincts.
So I made it through school and university because I love learning. I survived being an educator because I love learning and the energy of working with kids and I chose to leave it behind me when that wasn’t there for me anymore. I survived the women’s fraternity to which I belonged until it didn’t fit anymore and I chose to leave it behind me. I survived being the music director at a United Church until it just didn’t fit me anymore and I chose to leave it behind me. I survived being a gymnastics judge both times because I loved learning and supporting kids who challenged themselves and I love the beauty of the sport. And I chose to leave it behind me both times when I knew that it was not a fit for me. And I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to explore working with more music students and I know that, if I must employ only one methodology and one philosophy and exemplify only that, it won’t be a fit for me.
I have, on a sticky note affixed to my computer monitor, “I trust mySelf in all ways no matter what happens.” I see it as I sit at my computer and I say it to mySelf every day. And I know, really know, that it’s true.
And I’m sitting here being weepy a bit for regretting time lost and so much more for feeling blessed by this gift of understanding.