There are times when we can feel overwhelmed by events happening outside of our lives
– loss of people important to us, natural disasters, man-made disasters. When these kind of events happen, they bring us up short. The fabric of our world is changed in some way. We wonder what we can do about that. How will we go on? Can we go on? It’s like we become Peggy Lee singing, “Why was I born? Why am I living?” And still, somehow we find a way to navigate living. Right now, it’s working from home, home schooling, finding ways to connect with others and with ourselves which are different from how we did things before. And life goes on and we make do and go on too.
And then there are the little things which become important to us.
For me, I miss inviting someone into my space for a time. I miss having someone to hug. I miss sharing a meal and good conversation with people. I miss working on a project with others. I miss seeing my family [this is all the more important to me as I live alone]. And, as I told my best friend a few days ago, I even miss having someone pick lint off my shoulders.
All of this is exemplified by not being able to get my hair cut. Seems very insignificant really and yet, as I hear of friends getting their hair done, I want that for myself. And then it’s going to the dentist – just getting out of my place and not feeling like I’ve had to put my living the way I want to do it on hold. And then there’s technology. My computer has decided to reconfigure the screen and I don’t know how or why AND there’s no one who can come in to look it over and fix it right now.
And even though things here are beginning to open up somewhat, I still find myself feeling at loose ends. I get up some days and wonder what I will do to pass the time before I can ‘go to bed right’ as my mother used to say. And things that I’ve always enjoyed doing – singing, listening to music, reading, trying new creative outlets – just don’t have the power and scope to keep me engaged for very long.
As much as I tell myself to give myself a break and that I’m not the only person in this world who is feeling this way, it’s still hard to not devolve into tears and feel sorry for myself sometimes.
Oh, the doldrums don’t last as long as they might and yet I’m aware of their existence.
And as I sit and write this, I’m reminded of the time 6 years ago when I was in the hospital for 3 months, unable to walk easily and having to relearn that and regain my balance.
While it sure didn’t feel like it in the beginning, this hiatus from my life as I had been living it was really a gift. I had to slow down. I had to consider what I wanted in my life and how I wanted to live it. I had to change. And I did that.
It was thanks to that time of rehabilitation that I made the decision to resign from two jobs which had become burdensome to me – heavy and unenjoyable. I made the decision to unencumber my life and divest myself of so much stuff that I had been keeping in storage and not using for over 20 years. And I made the decision to sell my condo and move to a new city. And it was good.
I moved and began to create my life here.
Yet, this time of necessary social distancing has made me aware that there have been aspects of my life which just don’t do it for me anymore. I’m chuffed that I made the decision to finally leave my position as a choir director. I’m glad that I chose to move to a new place, albeit in the same city. I’m so glad that I got rid of more stuff that I had been collecting. And I’ve changed again.
What this makes me aware of is that life is not static.
It’s not about maintaining what we have. It’s about change and evolution. While we may not like change or accommodate it comfortably [and that sure is me], life keeps on changing. We cannot stop that. What we can do is reframe how we view events that happen in our lives and how we respond to them. We can see things as opportunities to learn more about ourSelves.
We can remember that we always have choices.
And we can choose for ourselves what we want to have in our lives. In that, we become our very own change agent.
Amazing where our thoughts can lead us if we stay open to the possibilities.