I’ve chosen to write my first book – for myself. And as I said to Sheila last week, I’ve chosen to share what’s been completed so far with a small group of women. I’ve been honoured that they’ve chosen to read what I’ve created and I know that I have not been writing for them. I have enjoyed their responses and reactions and considered their thoughts and I know that I have not managed what I’ve written in order to elicit approval from them. I’ve been writing for me because I have to write this. To not write and then share what I’ve written would be to shut myself down. To not share it would be to default to an old belief that what I’ve written might not be ‘good enough’.
Funny thing about writing this book. With each chapter, the writing has been more and more authentic. And with each chapter, more and more of very old and incredibly deeply entrenched Mishigosh and dreck have come up for me. And I know that I would really appreciate it if that stuff was over and done with.
Last Friday, Naomi reminded me that it is never done. Decloaking is a process that continues. It is not that once we’ve decloaked we will never have to do that again. We cannot put a checkmark beside it and think, ‘Next?’. What is done, if I choose my unique signal to the world, is seeking outcomes and approval and allowing old roadblocks of beliefs, values, and attitudes to disconnect me from mySelf.
As I sit here writing this, I realize that I’ve been living with and accepting some very limiting presuppositions. It is so much a habit of mind that I haven’t been aware of them. They have become the way that I think. What are they?
• that life will always be a struggle for me
• that anything worth doing or having will always require hard work at achieve
• that the world is not abundant for me – that I will always be presented with challenges and not opportunities
• that the only true measure of the value of my creations is the approval of others
• that the old roadblocks of the beliefs, values, and attitudes which I have held as true will always come back to trip me up and that I will always have to confront them again and again
I could probably continue with this list but I know that everything on the list would be variations on a theme. The essence of it is that I have to prove myself and my worth and my uniqueness. It’s all about performance.
I listen to my best friend and find myself comparing her life experience with mine. Sure, I have credentials and the like that she does not, and yet, she seems to have come through everything unencumbered by the major limitation of my life. Her life has not been about looking for approval from others or about feeling the need to perform to any external criteria. And I envy that and sometimes default to asking “Why me? Why did I have to go through that? Why does everything that happens feel like part of a conspiracy to keep me from having what I want?” And when I find myself asking those questions to the universe hoping against hope that there will be an answer for me that I can accept, I end up looking down and back and I lose my signal and my truth. And I shut mySelf down.
And last week, in speaking with Naomi, so much of that habit of mind became conscious for me. And in my conscious awareness, the power of these habits of mind to pull me up short dissolves. And I’m laughing as I write this because another thought just came up – that, now that I am conscious to this limiting way of thinking, I can deal with it when I happens again. And there is the presupposition that it will happen again. Wonderful the subtlety of the mind!
And the joy of being awake! And the freedom of laughter! And the wonder of choosing for mySelf!